A Million Words of Silence

My Father, the religion says we will be like angels when we leave this place
We would have no relationships and be in a holy form
I wonder why God would allow us to fall in love with family and friends
Knowing it will all end no one knows when
People say we should move on, but I am too weak to do that
My Love for you and your woman sits at the top of everything and everyone else
I extend my hand to the skies imagining the last time I touched your beard
My father, this pain is too big for me to handle
Remember the time I cried, just the 2 times I did it in front of you
Showing you the most vulnerable side of mine
Showing how helpless I was
How weak I could get if its anything related to you two
You held my hand while I was praying and I can still feel it
I really wish you could do it once more
Sometimes I think my head will explode with the flashing memories
At times I hate myself for not being more patient
There isnt anything that interests me
Neither people, nor anything else interests me
Nor do they provide any form of comfort
I just want to shut myself and spend time with myself
But i should act like a buffoon to make your woman laugh which is even harder
I can neither cry not express it
Rather I have to lie and act like a fool that I used to
My father, I have pretended long enough
I want to rest. Its been years. All I want is rest
I cant stop crying when I write
Even that I have to do in secret. Such a pity!
I want to scream at the top of my voice
I want to run. Leave everything behind. Run faster until I see nothing static
I want to punch something very hard
Just one tight hug buddy. Just hear your voice once more.
I listen to your recordings and feel the warmth
I really really miss you and I dont even know how to tell that.
I See you in dreams all healed up and it feels very good.